In schema therapy, we believe that everyone has different parts or “modes” within themselves. These modes can include the inner critic, which constantly judges and criticises, and the inner child, which represents our vulnerable, emotional side. The goal in schema therapy is to develop the ‘Healthy Adult mode’. This part of you acts like a kind, validating, and compassionate person who can take care of your emotional needs.
For many ADHDers, the Healthy Adult mode may be underdeveloped. Consequently, individuals often develop strong inner critics that chastise them for not meeting neurotypical norms. Schema therapy is a process that helps you meet your core emotional needs to heal negative core beliefs and quiet or befriend your inner critic.
Remco van der Wijnhaart (2015) outlines three steps that I find helpful for my ADHDer clients.
The 3 Steps of the Healthy Adult Mode for Individuals with ADHD
1. Validate Your Inner Child
Offer yourself empathy, validation, and necessary emotional support. For example:
– Acknowledge, “I am feeling ashamed right now, and that is normal. Most people would feel this way if they forgot to pay their phone bill for the third month in a row.”
– Recognise that this is a completely normal reaction, and many people would feel similarly in such a situation.
– Use self-compassionate statements like, “It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone does.”
2. Provide Reassurance and Offer a Different Perspective
ADHD can magnify feelings, making them seem more intense and long-lasting. It’s important to remind yourself that your feelings are temporary and you have the capacity to get through them. Try to adopt a different perspective:
– “Even though it feels overwhelming right now, this feeling will pass.”
– “I’ve felt this way before and I’ve got through it.”
– “I understand I feel embarrassed for zoning out in a meeting, but I show my competence in other ways.”
– “I am different, not defective.”
3. Deal with the Situation
The final step involves addressing the situation and being mindful of unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g., avoidance). For individuals with ADHD, this might mean breaking down tasks into manageable steps or using tools like planners or apps to stay organised. Remember, action is essential, but it should come after acknowledging and validating your feelings:
– Create a to-do list with small, achievable tasks.
– Use self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or even a brief, calming activity like listening to music.
– Set reminders on your phone to help you stay on track.
– Use apps designed for ADHDers to manage time and tasks more effectively.
– Avoid negative self-talk and instead, encourage yourself with positive affirmations like, “I can handle this, one step at a time.”
– Talk to someone you feel safe with about the shame you are experiencing
– Reflect on if there any tasks that you can outsource right now
By following these three steps, you can develop a more balanced approach to managing your emotions and strengthening your Healthy Adult mode. Practice these steps regularly to improve your emotional regulation and overall well-being. You are not defective.
Written by Sheyan Gunapala (Psychologist)
References
- https://schematherapysociety.org/page-18465
- Brockman RN, Simpson S, Hayes C, van der Wijngaart R, Smout M. In: Cambridge Guide to Schema Therapy. Cambridge Guides to the Psychological Therapies. Cambridge University Press; 2023:i-ii.
